y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
