Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
