Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
