Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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