actually, I'm a sock model
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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