allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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