i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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