Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
