I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
