hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm at about main and main street
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize