The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
