apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
