he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
