I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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