He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
