He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
