i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
