I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
