you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
