it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
