I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
