Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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