just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
