I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
