I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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