May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
This is my gift to your gina
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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