i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
