seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
