Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
