At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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