Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
