hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
