May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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