im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
