TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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