I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
