im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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