what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
