i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
