i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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