You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
