Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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