I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
