Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Randomize
