Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
