boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
