True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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