I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
