Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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