at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
