First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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