I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
