She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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