The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
