I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
