oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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