I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
