i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
