I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize